| A man is that large irrational creature who is always looking for home atmosphere in a hotel and hotel service around the house |
| A money Lender :He serves you in the present tense ;Lends you in the conditional mood ;And ruins you in the future. |
| A Spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had, if you’d stayed single. |
| After all is said and done, it’s usually the wife who has said it and the husband who has done it |
| All that keeps some families from having a home of their own is a teenage daughter . . |
| All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a well-to-do widow |
| Anatomy : some-thing that everyone has, but some-how it looks better on girls |
| Any WIFE with an inferiority complex can cure it by being ill in bed for a day while her husband manages the household and the children. —Eleanor Field |
| Any-body who asks for advice nowadays just hasn’t been listening |
| Anybody who believes a dog’s bark is worse than his bite is probably trying to sleep |
| Ask not for whom the telephone tolls; if thou art in the tub, Its for thee – |
| ASKED why she refused to take tranquillizers prescribed by her doctor, a woman said : “The last time I was taking them I found myself being friendly to people I wouldn’t even speak to otherwise.” |
| Bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free |
| Bachelor—a man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck |
| Bachelor—man who has faults he doesn’t know about |
| Bargain — something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist |
| Best place for your bathroom scales is in front of your refrigerator |
| BIOGRAPHER and diarist Sir Harold Nicolson was once asked whether he and his wife, novelist Victoria Sackville-West had collaborated.“Yes,“ replied Sir Harold. “We have two sons —Harold Nicolson, Diaries and Letters (Collins) |
| Blunt person : one who says what he thinks without thinking |
| Bore : when he’s the subject |
| Budget—a record of what it should have been spent for |
| Car : a convenient place to sit out traffic jams |
| Car sickness—that feeling you get every month when the payment falls due |
| Chance remark—any-thing a man manages to say when two women are talking. |
| Chaperone : one who is too old to get into the game, but still tries to intercept the passes |
| Child guidance is what more and more parents are getting from their children |
| COMEDIAN Charlie Drake was walking along Piccadilly at a time when his series, “The Worker,” in which he played a shabbily dressed labourer, was a big hit on TV. A lorry driver drew up beside him, looked at the expensive suit he was wearing and shouted : “What’s the matter, Charlie? Out of work?” |
| Comedian Joe Lewis’s lament about a horse he bet on, “I won’t say he ran slow—but this is the first time a jockey took along copies of Reader’s Digest and Cosmopolitan |
| Conscience is that still, small voice That quells a wicked thought,Then adds this sequence,“Besides you might get caught” |
| Conscience: The playback of the still, small voice that told you not to do it in the first place . |
| Conversationalist: one who can talk at length on a subject |
| Conviviality : when your guests are having a hilarious time |
| Counter-irritant—a woman who shops all day and doesn’t buy anything. |
| Critic doing his sting |
| DAVID Niven, the actor, heard his old producer Garson Kamm refer himself as middle-aged. He asked in how old he was, and was told Niven said, “And you call that idle age ? How many people do you know who are 114 ?” |
| Easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement |
| Education : ability to describe a beautiful girl without using your hands |
| Education : what you have left over after you have forgotten the facts |
| Education the ability to quote Shakespeare without crediting it to the Bible |
| Ever Notice … . . . when your cup of happiness is full, somebody always jogs your elbow |
| Experience is still the best teacher. An added advantage is that you get individual instruction |
| Female friends—women annoyed with the same person |
| Film actress whose talent is detectable only with a tape measure |
| Flat : A Place where you start to turn off the radio and find you’ve been listening to your neighbour’s |
| For every schoolboy with a spark of genius, there are a dozen with ignition trouble |
| Fox—a wolf who sends flowers |
| Good gardener knows that all he has to do to get rid of weeds is nothing else |
| Government should be like your stomach—if it’s working properly you don’t know you have it |
| Greatest hazards on the roads are those under 21 driving over 65 and those over 65 driving under 21 |
| He who dances must pay the fiddler—also the florist, waiter, cloakroom girl, doorman and parking attendant |
| Honey-moon is over when the dog brings your slippers and your wife` barks at you |
| Horse-power was a lot safer when the horses had it |
| How people on a diet are never reduced to silence? |
| I never saw anyone get as much exercise as she does by simply walking across the room” .. |
| If a girl doesn’t try to hold her shape, no one else will either |
| Incidental intelligence: This is the season when men get their winter clothes out of moth balls and women get theirs out of department stores |
| It’s inflation when you have to pay five rupees for the two rupee haircut you used to get for one rupee when you had hair — |
| Kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one |
| Life doesn’t begin at 40 for those who went like 60 when they were 20 |
| Like prayer, the small car brings the family closer together |
| Little flattery now and then Makes husbands out of single men. |
| Marilyn Monroe—a girl you look up to, very, very slowly |
| Modern block of flats : One in which both the land-lord and the tenant are trying to raise the rent |
| Money isn’t everything, but it’s well ahead of whatever is in second place |
| Money not only talks—in most families it keeps up a running conversation |
| No one has more trouble keeping up with the Joneses than old man Jones |
| Noadays, a man goes into politics for a wonderful future and comes with a terrible past |
| Nothing can stop a woman in the middle of a sentence like the arrival of another woman with two men |
| Nowadays, when a husband sees his wife knitting tiny garments he says, “Surely you’re not going to wear that on the beach !” |
| Oh, innocent victims of Cupid, Remember this terse little verse ;To let a fool kiss you is stupid , To let a kiss fool you is worse |
| One of the mysteries of life is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry the daughter can be the fattier of the brightest grandchild in the world |
| Only two kinds of men don’t understand women—husbands and single men — |
| Pedestrian—a person who should be seen and not hurt |
| Pedestrian—man who thought there were still a couple of gallons of petrol left in the tank |
| Quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable |
| Racehorse is the only animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time |
| Remember when the only difficult thing about parking a car was getting the girl to agree to it? |
| Tactless man —he invariably says what everyone else is thinking |
| There is nothing that ruins a man’s memory for faces like a plunging neckline |
| There must be something to acupuncture – you never see any ill porcupines |
| There was a time when you could explain to a child the facts of life without getting into a debate Nowadays when you tell a teenager he must shift for himself, he thinks you’re going to buy him a sports car |
| They tell of a popular psychiatrist who’s doing well. He makes Rs. 4,000 a week and all the change that falls behind the couch |
| Three forms of self-defence are kung fu, karate and putting on your spectacles — |
| Today’s biggest problem is working out solutions for the solutions the last generation worked out |
| Today’s safety slogan : “Watch out for school children—especially if they’re driving cars!” |
| Tolerance : The uncomfortable suspicion that the other fellow may be right after all |
| Trouble with burning the candle at both ends is that you always get caught in the middle |
| Truancy is when a small boy lets his mind wander—and then follows it |
| We used to settle our problems over coffee and cigarettes—now they’re our problems |
| What a small boy saves for a rainy day is apt to be mischief |
| When you see a man opening the door of a car for his wife, you can be sure that either the car or the wife is new |
| Women do things for appearance for which used-car dealers would go to gaol. |
| Wonder drug is one that has no effect on mice |
| World is so full of a number of things that it’s hard to keep up payments on them |
| Years a woman subtracts from her age are not lost—they are added to the age of other women |
| You really wonder how the other half lives when you drive with some of them |
| Young man applying for a teaching position, in response to a query about marital status, wrote : “Eligible.” |
rasAyana 