| Advertisement: Guitar, for sale, cheap.No strings attached . |
| Advertising executive to copywriter displaying layout featuring word “new” : “New is an old word. Get a new word.” |
| AIRLINE pilot to inquiring wife : “Oh, the usual day, you know—New York, London, Paris, Rome.” |
| AIRMAN to officer : “Our anti-anti-missile missile’s just shot itself down, sir !” |
| AMERICAN camp director to children: “Today’s activities are arts and crafts with Uncle Dave, swimming with Aunt Carol, softball with Uncle Ted and meditation with Uncle Krish Napurgonjee.” |
| Angel to companion: “I know you used to be in advertising, Ernie, but up here we refer to them as “converts,” not “new accounts.” |
| ANGRY MAN returning battered book to book-shop assistant : “I was not only able to put it down, I was able to throw it.” |
| ANGRY wife to husband : “No Every time we discuss something sensibly, I lose !” |
| Annoyed girl to date : “Let’s go some place where we can each be alone.” |
| ARTIST, proudly, to observer at exhibition of his paintings : “I’ve never sold any, but I had one stolen once.” |
| ATTENDANT meeting jetliner with stretcher : “It’s another ten-countries-in-11-days’ case, doctor.” |
| BABY-SITTER to returning parents : “He went to bed at eight o’clock, 8.50, 9.30, 10, 11, 11.15 and midnight.” |
| Bank Manager to customer : “And one of life’s disappointments, sir, is discovering that the man who writes the bank’s advertising is not the one who makes the loans.” |
| Bleary eyed , looking into mirror on Monday morning : “Personally, I don’t think we’re descended from monkeys—I think that’s where we’re heading.” |
| BLONDE to boy friend applying for marriage licence : “Seems sort of silly to get a licence after the hunting is over.” |
| Boss To employee: “No, Baxter, you’re not being replaced by a computer—only a silicon chip.” |
| Boss To employee: “You’re a good man, Remington—punctual, industrious, efficient, pleasant and loyal. You’re also making the other employees very, very nervous. |
| Boss TO inventor of unbreakable toy truck: “Has it ever occurred to you that we’re not looking for unbreakable toys?” |
| Boss to new employee : “Welcome aboard, Henderson, and remember our motto—if at first you don’t succeed, you’re fired. |
| Boss to secretary : “Do you realize, Miss Smith, that counting coffee and lunch breaks this makes the third time you’ve been late for work today?” |
| Boss to secretary : “Head that memo ‘Strictly Confidential.’ I want everyone in the office to read it.”94 |
| Boss to Secretary : “When I dictated this ‘Men Wanted’ ad to you, I said nothing about ‘must be single’ |
| BOY to girl : “After we’re married it’s going to seem funny not having anyone to buy chocolates and presents for.” |
| Broadway barber’s-shop promises : “Your haircut free if we speak first.” |
| By narrow mountain road : “Please do not overestimate the width of this road” |
| By road near elementary school: “Approach school the way you did as a child—slowly “ |
| Car Salesman to Customer: “And under our extended credit program, the payments never become a burden. They merely become a habit.” |
| CAREER woman to friend: “Women’s liberation is working for me—I have an ulcer.” |
| Chairman of woollen-company board : “Good news, gentlemen ! Our research department has developed a moth that will eat synthetics.” |
| Clergyman to deacon in church: “Personally, I’m against having air conditioning. I think the sweltering heat will serve as a good reminder.” |
| COMPANY chairman to personnel manager : “Search the organization for an alert, aggressive young man who could step into my shoes—and when you find him sack him.” |
| Convict to cell mate: “I had an identity crisis. Left my fingerprint on the safe.” |
| COUPLE to waitress: “What do you recommend? We’re on a diet, on a budget and in a hurry:” |
| COURT official swearing in woman witness : “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and stop there?” |
| Customer to car mechanic: “But I don’t want it fixed like new. I want it to work!” |
| CUSTOMER to used-car salesman: “What I’d really like is a car that runs as smoothly as you talk.” |
| Dairy farmer, questioning prospective employee, “Have any bad habits—smoke, drink, eat margarine?” |
| Daunting wife to man on couch: “ Are you a man or mouse ? Come on !! Squeak up !!!!!” |
| Dentist to patient: “Where do you think Jimmy Carter would be if he had neglected his teeth?” |
| DIRECTOR to voluptuous star : “This part is a real challenge, Iris. You are fully clothed in every scene.” |
| Discouraged teenage girl to friend : “The label says it’s a 30-day guar-anteed beauty treatment. Perhaps it all happens at once on the last day !” |
| DOCTOR at desk, to patient : “According to the bank, MrsBarton, your last cheque was a placebo.” |
| DOCTOR examining business tycoon: “Contrary to what the union says, your heart is in the right place.” |
| Doctor to obese patient : “I’ve done all I can to get your weight down, Mr. Murphy—I suggest that you just learn to be jolly.” |
| DOCTOR to patient : “I want you to skip your holiday this year and get a good rest.” |
| Doctor to patient: “Your diet will be simple. If it tastes good, spit it out.” |
| DOCTOR to paunchy patient, about large bottle of pills : “You don’t eat them. Just spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one at a time.” |
| Doctor to plump patient : “Let me put it this way—you’re an addict, and your grocer is a pusher.” |
| DOCTORS discussing patient : “He’s not responding to the new improved drug, probably because he’s got one of those new improved infections.” |
| Dole-ful actor, “I can’t get this cheque cashed—I don’t know of a single place where I’m unknown !” |
| DOOR-TO-DOOR salesman to housewife : “I’d like to show you a little item your neighbours said you couldn’t afford.” |
| Drive Ways Sign at highway construction site: “Men working ahead—we hope” |
| DRIVER to wife : “What’s happened to us, Grace? You don’t remind me to fasten my seat belt any more.” |
| EMPLOYEE with pay-cheque in hand: “About my raise, boss.I had in mind something a little more inflationary.” |
| Enjoying the signery: Liquor-store for sale, “We Are Carrying On With Unbroken Spirits” . . . Busy Army highway in Korea, “Keep Right–Centre Lane for Crashing Only.” |
| Eskimo girl to Eskimo boy : “It’s not that I don’t like you—it’s just that you’ve got such a cold nose.” |
| EXHAUSTED husband to wife : “What a day ! The electronic brain broke down, and we all had to think!” |
| FATHER at a group seance, to medium : “Never mind those in the here-after. Can you help me communicate with my teenage son?” |
| FATHER of curvacious young thing in revealing evening dress, to mother : “Aren’t you afraid she’ll outgrow it before the night’s over? “ |
| Father of obstreperous youngster to Wife reading child-psychology book: “Does it say where we’re to apply this free hand we’re supposed to give him?” |
| FATHER to baby in cot : “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” |
| FATHER to daughter’s date playing records : “You’re darn right that music sends you, son—and don’t slam the door!” |
| FATHER to daughter’s suitor : “My daughter says you have that certain something, but I wish you had something certain.” |
| FATHER, about teenage son : “He’s at that awkward age—too old for a spanking and too young for analysis.” |
| FATHER, helping son with arithmetic : ” ‘If A makes Rs. ioo and B spends Rs. 150 . . .’ ask your mother to help you—this is right up her street.” |
| Frazzled father confesses to friend : I’ve wanted to run away from home ore often since I’ve had children than when I was a boy” |
| GARAGE mechanic to customer : “Your mechanical worries are over. Your only problem now is where to dump your car.” |
| Girl reassuring boy about to meet her parents, “Any friend of mine is like a son-in-law to them” |
| GIRL to assistant at perfume counter : “I’m looking for something with which to open up a counter-offensive.” |
| GIRL to escort : “I can’t let you go on taking me to these expensive places, unless you start picking up the bills !” |
| GIRL to friend in theatre foyer : “When I told him I liked Shakespeare, I didn’t mean for a whole evening!” |
| GIRL, about to be kissed in the moonlight : “Please, Albert, not with all those satellites taking photographs.” |
| GLEEFUL patient with foot in a plaster cast to visitor : “The doctor says I’m a natural skier—I have the kind of bones that knit fast.” |
| GOLFER, with score card in hand, to partner : “I’m a two-handicap golfer—I have a boss who won’t let me off early and a wife who keeps me at home at week-ends.” |
| Guru to guest: “There are several meanings in life—a Rs 50 meaning, a Rs 100 meaning and one for Rs 500” |
| Harried husband, . . . “My wife doesn’t park a car—she abandons it” |
| Home-Coming Husband to Wife : “I got a rise ! Now we can afford last year’s taxes. |
| Hostess to guests: “I suppose you’re all wondering how I can spend the cocktail hour with you and still serve a delicious full-course dinner. The truth is, I can’t. We’re having bananas on cereal.” |
| Husband giving wife, a bouquet of flowers: “Now don’t go all to pieces. Somebody left them on a bus” |
| Husband to Wife : “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?” |
| HUSBAND to wife as teenagers crowd into kitchen : “Offhand, I’d say what this younger generation is coming to is our refrigerator.” |
| HUSBAND to wife, as they arrive at party: “And don’t try to stop me each time I say, ‘Stop me if you’ve heard this.'” |
| HUSBAND to wife, as they walk past a cottage with a thickly thatched roof : “It’s a wig.” |
| HUSBAND, going over bills, to wife : “In case you’re interested, we’re no longer keeping up with the Joneses—we’ve passed them ! “ |
| HUSBAND, opening letter, to wife : “It’s a note from the Friendly Loan Company reminding us they have an alliance with the Unfriendly Collection Company |
| HUSBAND, sitting on hotel veranda on rainy day, to wife : “Okay, so it’s good for the farmers. Are they paying out 20 guineas a week?” |
| HUSBAND, studying menu, to wife : “Nothing that costs that much should be described as an appetizer !” |
| IMPATIENT customer to waiter passing him by.: “That food looks pretty good. I’d like to eat here some time.” |
| In a cabinet-maker’s van: “Counter fitters” — |
| IN A nursery potted-plant section: “Please don’t talk to the plants unless you’re going to buy.” |
| IN A physician’s waiting room: “An apple a day doesn’t do it.” |
| In college library: “Quiet—don’t disturb the strain of thought” |
| IRATE customer to bank clerk : “I want to disjoint an account !” |
| Irate wife to husband, “Are you a man or a mouse? Come on, squeak up !” |
| IRATE woman to husband : “You’re just agreeing with me because you know that proves I don’t know what I’m talking about !” |
| Jury foreman to judge: “Yes, we have, your honour. -We talked it all over and we’ve decided this is really none of our business” |
| Lady asking her Doctor :“ Would that blood pressure be alright if I happened to be a little older than 30 ?” |
| Lawyer to desperate female client:“ Yes, I am reading it all right. He has left his brain To you and all his money to the Medical school”. |
| Lawyer, reading will, to assembled relatives: “He turned it all into traveller’s cheques and took it with him.” |
| LOAN APPLICANT to banker: “Getting back to those interest rates, could you be a little more specific than ‘it’s going to cost a pretty penny’?” |
| Loan-company officer to customer: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t realize we were talking so long —your first payment is due.” |
| MADAM chairman addressing women’s group : “If we don’t face up to our civic duties our organization will lose its purpose and we’ll find ourselves back where we started—cooking dinner for a husband.” |
| MALE SHOPPER, wearing Arab clothing, to friend: “Honestly, Frank! You should see how salespeople treat me since I started wearing this outfit!” |
| Man emerging from Church : “Great sermon today. For once I felt he did not mean me ! “ |
| MAN EMERGING from church: “Great sermon today! For once I felt he didn’t mean me.” |
| Man in Restaurant, trying to cut tough steak, to Wife : “I see what the waiter meant when he recommended their piece de resistance.” |
| MAN introducing a new-comer to office colleague : “This is Hobart, the boss’s son. He’s. going to start at the bottom for a few days.” |
| MAN on office telephone: “Good morning from Wirtz, Miesbauer, Holan, Gehagen and Associates, and also from me, sir — a pleasant, nameless cog in the wheel.” |
| MAN OVER back fence to neighbour toiling in garden : “I had phenomenal luck with my garden this year—not a thing came up.” |
| MAN SAYING grace at dinner table: “And from whatever additives there are in same make us truly immune.” |
| Man to college-graduate son in cap and gown: “What do you mean, you want to be a cowboy ?” |
| MAN to dinner companion : “All right, we’ll break our engagement if that’s how you want it … Waiter, separate bills, please.” |
| MAN To MAN : “I don’t know what I’d have done without Helen—especially after the kids came along.” |
| Man to man, “My wife uses the adjective ‘pretty’ to describe all women, unless they’re deformed—or really pretty” |
| MAN to wife : “You’ll join women’s lib over my male chauvinist body !” |
| MAN to wife viewing painting of nude : “All I said was that she looks like the kind of woman who would be easy on the budget.” |
| MAN TO woman as they leave cinema theatre: “The film may not have been pornographic, but the ticket price was certainly obscene.” |
| MAN working on family budget : “My new accounting system is a success. We still don’t have any money, but now I can pin-point which drain it’s going down !” |
| Man, in traffic jam, to passenger: “I’ve got a job with a real challenge—. getting to and from work.” |
| MAN, looking at get-well cards, to assistant : “Have you got one that says SNAP OUT OF IT ! ?” |
| MAN, reading stock-market page, to wife : “Remember those shares I was going to retire on at 55? Well, my retirement age is now 35o !” |
| MAN, reclining on sofa as wife struggles with heavy rug: “For heaven’s sake, Florence, that’s a man’s job. Why don’t you try to get me to do it?” |
| Manager to workers around conference table: “Frankly, we’re introducing worker participation because we don’t see why you shouldn’t share our headaches.” |
| Massage parlour advertises, “The Paws That Refresh” |
| MEDIUM at seance : “Please, Harry—if you didn’t take it with you, where is it?” |
| MIDDLE-AGED man to pretty girl in cocktail bar : “My wife doesn’t understand me. I’m a nuclear physicist.” |
| MOSES down from the Mount : “It’s just a first draft, but it seems that no one is going to get away with anything.” |
| MOTHER of small boy to child psychiatrist : “Well, I don’t know whether or not he feels insecure, but everybody else in the neighbourhood certainly does ” 133 |
| MOTHER to school-bound daughter : “I do hope the girls in your dormitory are sweet, kind—and much too big or small for your clothes.” |
| Mother, to a little boy who has opened the door for his father : “Stop saying, ‘It’s only Daddy’—even if it is only Daddy !” |
| Newspaper editor to journalist : “All I want is a hard-hitting, two-fisted expose with no holds barred that won’t offend anyone.” |
| Notice in a jeweller’s window : “Give her something to wrap round her little finger—besides you.” |
| NOTICE in a pet-shop window filled with puppies : “Who Says Money Can’t Buy Happiness?” |
| NOTICE on a garage’s car-washing bay : “Collectors, of External Residue.” |
| Nurse to co-worker in Hospital nursery, as she holds up a baby for father to see:”I’ve shown this one to 12 new fathers and he is a chip of the old block, to each one of them!” |
| NURSE to expectant father : “Just because you’ve been kept long, it doesn’t necessarily mean the baby will be a girl.” |
| NURSE, showing newborn infant to father: “Of course your baby is superior to every other baby ! Why should he be the exception?” |
| OFFICE accountant to employee : “Your wife requested that we send your salary cheque home by post and eliminate the middleman.” |
| On a freshly painted classroom wall: “This is a partition, not a petition. No signatures required” — |
| On crowded bus, “Driver, stop this car,—-a sardine wants to get off.” |
| On telephone van in Oakland, California, “Courtesy is contagious; let’s start an epidemic.” |
| On the outskirts of a town : “Our speed limit is 25 miles per hour, with a fine of $3 per mile for faster driving. Pick out a speed you can afford” |
| On the wall of an accounts office : “There is no such thing as petty cash !” |
| ONE EXECUTIVE to another leaving chairman’s office : “He calls it delegating authority—I call it passing the buck !” |
| One girl to an-other : “That’s a nice necklace. How much did you play for it?” |
| ONE housewife to another: “My husband says that I’m what he has left after tax.” |
| One Man to another : “I like the old days best—I was younger then.” |
| ONE MAN to another at a party: “It’s been a long time since 1 was a bachelor—but I’m thinking of making a comeback.” |
| ONE MATRON to another: “Sometimes I don’t know whether to have my conciousness raised or my face lifted.” |
| ONE secretary to another : “You’ll love it here . . once you accept the fact that there’s absolutely no chance for advancement, rises or marriage.” |
| ONE SPECTATOR to another at missile range : “It goes faster than the speed of sound or faster than the sound of speed, I forget which.” |
| One Stenographer complaining to co-worker : “That handsome young executive asked me if I had a date for this evening. When I said no, he piled all this work on my desk !” |
| One Sweet young thing to another: “I don’t know whether he’s-a perfect gentleman or just not interested in me.” |
| ONE TEACHER to another : “Don’t think of it as kindergarten. Think of it as a launching pad.” |
| ONE teenage girl to another : “I developed an entirely new personality yesterday—but my father made me wash it off.” |
| ONE teenager to another : “I discarded Patrick three weeks ago, but I’m thinking of recycling him.” |
| ONE TEENAGER to another : “I’ll never understand men, if I live to be 20 |
| One TV viewer to another: “I’ll say this for the commercials —you feel your life isn’t so dull after all when you see somebody get that excited over a paper towel that’s more absorbent.” |
| ONE Washington official to another: “Had the most frightening dream last night—we rang them on the hot line and got the engaged signal.” |
| ONE WOMAN golfer to another as angry man drives off : “Another good rule to remember, don’t talk while they’re hitting the ball.” |
| ONE WOMAN strap-hanger to another : “I suppose it’s only right that we should stand. After all, we’ll outlive them.” |
| ONE WOMAN to another : “My dear, we’re having such trouble with young Tommy. He’s too young to be left alone with baby, but too old to be left alone with the baby-sitter.” |
| ONE WOMAN to another at a cocktail party : “That reminds me of a funny story—I’ll try to remember the ending as I go along.” |
| ONE WOMAN to another at party : “I’ve heard r much about you! Now I’d like to hear your side of the story.” |
| ONE WOMAN to another: “Of course I don’t believe in this astrology nonsense. We Virgos aren’t easily taken in.” |
| ONE WORKER to another, deciphering tape from computer machine : “It wants Saturday off.” |
| ONE YOUNG thing to another : “He likes classical music, art, museums, and he reads a lot, but nobody’s perfect.” |
| ONE YOUNG THING to another as they watch bride and groom leave church: “She was the one who advised me to play hard-to-get with him.” |
| OUTSIDE marriage guidance office, wife to husband : “Now don’t forget to tell them how exasperating you are.” |
| OVER A novel displayed in a bookstore: “You can take it in your car, in your boat, on a camping trip—just like a portable TV.” |
| OVER A rack of .umbrellas: Don’t frown at the rain—it’s the only thing coming down |
| Over the paper-towel dispenser in a children’s cloakroom : “Not over 50o revolutions per minute.” |
| OVERBURDENED young mother of large family to vicar : “What I’m looking for is a blessing that is not in disguise.” |
| Parents to hippie son: “You’re 3o years old, and it’s time for us to protest !” |
| PATIENT to doctor examining him : “And another thing I noticed, Doctor—I’m tired and irritable after spending a solid hour in that waiting-room of yours.” |
| Patient to psychiatrist: “Here I am at the dangerous age and there’s no danger.” |
| PATIENT to psychiatrist: “I took your advice—didn’t let job pressures get to me, took up hobbies, relaxed—and I got fired !” |
| PATIENT, identifying himself to doctor’s receptionist : “The name is Burdan. B as in bursitis. U as in ulcer. R as in rheumatism. D as in dys-pepsia. A as in acute anxiety. N as in neuralgia.” |
| PERFUMERY assistant to customer : “The first whiff is good, but it’s the fall-out that gets ’em.” |
| PERFUNIE saleswoman to teenage girl : “It’s an all-purpose scent — a combination of allure and insect repellent.” |
| PERSONNEL manager to shapely blonde : “You’re just the type we’re looking for—we’ve decided to let some office machines go.” |
| PERSONNEL manager to young job applicant: “I see you’ve never been in jail. Didn’t you take any interest in student activities?” |
| PERSONNEL officer to unkempt applicant : “Leave your phone number and we’ll ring you when we reach the bottom of the barrel. |
| PETROL-STATION attendant to Arab sheikh motorist : “I don’t know how to tell you this, sir — you need oil.” |
| Plump matron spooning up hot fudge sundae to friend: “I’m count-ing calories. So far today I’ve had 7,611.” |
| PLUMP WOMAN, outside tea shop, to friend : “The food is awful. I only eat here because I’m trying to keep my weight down.” |
| POLITICIAN complaining to journalist : “The last time I spoke to you off the record I didn’t see a word of it in your paper.” |
| Politician to audience : There is one thing I can promise you about the outer space program.”YOUR TAX MONEY WILL GO FARTHER !” |
| Politician to colleague: “What’s a good word that sounds like ‘yes’ but more or less means ‘no’?” |
| PORTLY matron to bookshop assistant : “What I’d really like is a best-seller that everybody isn’t already talking about !” |
| PORTLY woman to husband as they leave party : “And I wish you’d stop referring to me as a barrel of fun.” |
| PROSPECTIVE buyer to car salesman : “I do a lot of driving in rush-hour traffic jams. I want a car that will really crawl.” |
| Psychiatrist to patient :“Maybe you do not have a complex.Maybe you are really inferior !” |
| PSYCHIATRIST to voluptuous blonde patient leaving consulting-room: “That about winds things up. Any inhibitions you have left you’re going to need.” |
| PUBLISHER to author : “We’re looking for material aimed at anti-capitalist youth. That’s where the money is.” |
| Red Indian starting rain dance: “This ought to precipitate matters” |
| Red Skelton, “The only thing that kept me from going to college was secondary school.” |
| Retirement pension official,reading application, to applicant:“Feeling 58 isn’t enough.You must be 58.” |
| RETURNING holidaymaker to friend: “We didn’t go far. There was plenty of petrol, but we ran out of money.” |
| SALESMAN : “This candelabra is the perfect wedding present, madam. The happy couple will think of you every time there’s a power cut.” |
| SCHEMING starlet to ageing tycoon : “But financially you’re in the prime of life, Mr. Underwood.” “ |
| SCHOOLBOY to father : “No, I didn’t get promoted this year. Did you?” |
| SCHOOLBOY to friend: “My pocket calculator is smarter than your pocket calculator.” |
| SECOND-HAND car dealer to customer : “It’s hardly been used. It was owned by a little old lady who couldn’t bear to pollute the environment.” |
| SECRETARY to boss : “I’m saving my coffee breaks. When I get enough together, I’m taking Friday off !” |
| SECRETARY to office wolf : “I’m sorry, William. I ran you through the computer last night, and you just didn’t make it.” |
| SHOE salesman, surrounded by boxes, to lady : “I can’t sell you the first pair showed you. My colleague sold them an hour ago.” |
| Shopper to supermarket cashier: “Slow down so that I can blink my eyes once in a while.” |
| Sign at Driving School:”If your wife wants to learn to drive,Don’t stand in her way” |
| SIGN in a dry-cleaning shop : “WHEN YOUR SWEATERS ARE CLEANED BY US, YOU WILL HAVE A FIT.” |
| SIGN in a restaurant : .”The Early Bird Gets the Worm ! Special Shoppers’ Luncheon before 11 a.m.” |
| Sign in an estate agent’s office : “Buy land now—it’s not being made any more.” |
| Sign in small village : “Slow—no hospital ! “ |
| Sign language: I In a psychiatrist’s office, “Five couches—no waiting” |
| Sign language: In a barber’s shop near the United Nations, “Barber Wanted—Must Be Able to Discuss International Situation Intelligently” |
| Sign on back of truck, “Learn to Remember Names —Practise on Ours” |
| Sign on Bakery: “You’re the object of our confections” |
| SIGN PAINTER to man in glass-enclosed office-cubicle : “Rood eciffo ruoy no eman eht tup of ereh ma I.” |
| Sign seen in a bar: “Those drinking to forget ,please pay in advance.” |
| Sign: In a public park, “Grass grows by inches—and dies by feet” . . . |
| Sleepy eyed man, sitting on bed and staring out of the window, to Wife:”Curse it ! It looks as if it is going to be another day “ |
| SMALL BOY in space helmet to mother as they leave airliner : “A crummy 20,000 feet !” |
| Small boy to father scowling over report card : “Naturally I seem stupid to my teacher. She’s a uni-versity graduate !” |
| SMALL BOY to mother: “It was a fun party until her mother’s tranquillizer wore off.” |
| SMALL child to friend outside teenage sister’s bedroom : “It’s called homework. They scatter some books about and then talk about boys.” |
| SMALL SON to parents bringing home quadruplets : “We’d better start telling people. They’re going to be harder to get rid of than kittens.” |
| Small son to parents bringing home quadruplets from Hospital: “We’d better start telling people. They’re going to be harder to get rid of , than the kittens. |
| SON TO FATHER : “Checking scholarships, investigating grants, looking into awards, exploring student loans—it’s the modern method of working your way through college, Pop.” |
| SOVIET official, at meeting : “Best not overrate softness of capitalists, comrades. Every year they are wiped out by income tax and every year they come back.” |
| Stockbroker on telephone to customer: “Well, if you don’t want to buy any stocks, could I interest you in some magazine subscrip-tions?’ |
| Sultan to small boy : “Go ask one of your mothers” – |
| SUPERMARKET assistant loading housewife’s mini-car : “Your economy-size groceries won’t fit into your economy-size car.” |
| Tax official to taxpayer: “We think you may have miscounted your blessings.” –Thavcs |
| TEACHER to colleague: “Not only is he the worst behaved child in the school, but he has a perfect attendance record !” |
| TEEN-AGE girl to mother : “I don’t think I could stand Eloise if she weren’t my best friend . . .” |
| TEENAGE girl, returning from date, to room-mate: “I don’t know what the film was about. I couldn’t get my glasses over my false eyelashes.” |
| TEENAGE SON to father : “May I have the keys to our status symbol.” |
| TEENAGER in shoe-shop to friend : “It’s a difficult choice—I need a pair that will bring me to Roger’s shoulder, but not over Bill’s head.” |
| TEENAGER to enquiring father: “I’m reading a mystery story—advanced geometry.” |
| TEENAGER to father: “You haven’t been listening to me ! If you had, you’d have hit the ceiling by now !” |
| TELEVISION repairman to customer bringing in TV set : “Yes, it was guaranteed for 36 months. Unfortunately, April isn’t one of them.” |
| The patent office employee to another: “Damn it, Harlow, aren’t you ever going to stop saying, `Why didn’t I think of that?’ |
| TOASTMASTER to assembled group : “Our next speaker needs no introduction. He ch’anged his mind and stayed at home.” |
| TOURIST, behind wheel, to companion : “Oh, I never carry a map. There’s nothing worse than being completely worn out and then dis-covering you’ve gone only ten centimetres.” |
| TRAINEE secretary to staff manager : “My typing isn’t so bad—if you compare it with my shorthand.” |
| TRIBESMAN, about disconsolate Arab chieftain sitting in his harem: “He’s sulking because he couldn’t buy the Miss Universe finalists.” |
| Triumphant father to mother watching teenage son mow lawn : “I told him I lost the car keys in the grass.” |
| TYCOON shouting into phone : “I don’t care if you are a recording! Stop interrupting me !” |
| UNDER palm tree, mate to mate : “Well, enjoy your last day of ‘fly now’ because tomorrow starts ‘pay later.’ “ |
| WAITER to customer: “What do you mean the service is poor? I haven’t given you any yet.” |
| Weary mother’s comment after her baby’s first birthday party, “It was a great success—there wasn’t a dry seat in the house” |
| WEARY suburban gardener : “I’ll be happy if these tomatoes just get as big as my blisters.” |
| Wife ,over bills ,to husband:“Well,I have made the ends meet.Now what about this gap in the middle?” |
| Wife comments: “When we were first married we got along perfectly. But as we were leaving the church . . .” |
| Wife greeting Husband at front door : dear—where’s for dinner?” |
| WIFE over bills, to husband. “Well, I’ve made ends meet. Now what about this gap in the middle?” |
| Wife reading Husband’s Fortune card from weighing machine: “You are a leader with a magnetic personality and strong character.You are intelligent , witty ,and attractive to the opposite….”She paused.“ It has your weight wrong , too”. |
| WIFE to friend as she looks at dozing husband : “If his ship ever did come in, I doubt if he’d bother to unload it.” |
| WIFE TO guests : “We saw Rome, Florence and Paris. Our baggage saw Milan, Turin and Paris.” |
| Wife to Husband : “This affluent society I keep hearing about—when are we going to join it ?” |
| WIFE to husband : “You say I’m overdrawn—I say you’re under-deposited!” |
| WIFE to husband at table : “I don’t like my cooking either—but do I sit here and grouse about it? “ |
| WIFE to husband dismayed by bank’s “overdrawn” notice : “I didn’t want you to worry—that’s why I didn’t enter those cheques in the cheque-book.” |
| Wife to Husband reading magazine : “I took that incompatibility test today, and you failed!” |
| Wife to Husband, about young daughter : “Her new boy-friend is coming to dinner on Sundayshe wants us to paint the house, redecorate the living-room and buy a new car |
| WIFE to husband, absorbed in newspaper : “Pretend I’m a barman. Talk to me !” |
| Wife to Husband, late at night as they pass hotel with No Rooms” sign : “Yes, I know we’ll find one before long—people are starting to get up !” |
| Wife to Husband: “Instead of buy ing me an expensive birthday presen this year, why not give me something you’ve made yourself—for instance, money?” |
| Wife to Husband: “I’ve tried self-hypnosis and transcendental meditation, but what I really need is more household money.” |
| Wife to Husband: “What kind of pictures have you been taking that you have to develop them in the dark?” |
| WIFE to lounging husband : “Somehow, I find it a little difficult to see you as the end product of millions of years of evolution. |
| WIFE to worried-looking husband working on income-tax return : “Why don’t we hand it all over to the Government and let them give us what they think we need?” |
| WIFE, dressing for party, to husband: “I’ll be ready in a minute, dear. Go and clean the car, or something.” |
| WIFE, eyeing fur coats in shop window, to husband : “These are my peak yearning years, you know.” |
| Wife, trying to cheer up Husband: “Look at it this way—you may be low man on the totem pole at work, but here you’re second in command.” |
| WOMAN complaining to a doctor’s receptionist : “All he does is make appointments for me to see a specialist ! Is he really a doctor, or just a booking agent ?” |
| WOMAN driver to companion: “Fasten your seat belt—I’m going to park.” |
| Woman driver, stopped for speeding, to policeman: “Gosh, I didn’t even realize that there were that many kilometres in an hour.” |
| Woman in library, looking over new books: “Oh, dear, just when you think sex has finally been explained, out comes another one.” – |
| WOMAN introducing one woman friend to another: “You’ll love Kathryn. She’s alarmed about the same things as you are.” |
| WOMAN showing dented car to garageman : “The bumper’s been playing up again.” |
| WOMAN to doctor : “Before I accept your diagnosis, I’d like to consult another patient.” |
| Woman to friend : “Alfred’s hobby is mending things beyond repair” |
| WOMAN to friend : “I planned to plunge into politics last year but I still haven’t caught up with my ironing.” |
| Woman to friend about Husband working fervently under kitchen sink: “He knows just enough about plumbing to be dangerous.” |
| WOMAN to husband still in bed : “The toast just popped up. I suggest you do the same.” |
| WOMAN TO HUSBAND with hangover: “I don’t see why your head should hurt this morning. You certainly didn’t use it last night.” |
| Woman to interviewer at door : “Just a minute—I’ll get my Husband. He’s the opinionated one.” |
| WOMAN to man : “I didn’t say that your tie was loud. I just asked if it had a volume control.” |
| WOMAN to neighbour, as her husband leaves on hunting trip: “George hasn’t the heart to shoot anything. He just goes so he won’t have to shave for a week.” |
| WOMAN to salesgirl at a lingerie counter : “Nothing frivolous, it’s only for a visit to the doctor’s surgery.” |
| Woman to telephone repairman : “Do hurry ! I’m bursting !” |
| WOMAN trying on hat to assistant : “It’s nice. But it’s a little less than he can afford.” |
| Woman, in bookstore, to friend: “It’s the kind of book you can’t put down. Especially if there are children around.” |
| WOMAN, looking at child-care books, to bookshop assistant: -Haven’t you any that stick up for the parents? “ |
| WOMAN, reading newspaper, to husband: “The poverty level is gaining on us.” |
| WOMAN, standing at a film perfOrmance, to friend : “Another thing I liked about the book—I was able to sit all the way through it.” |
| Woman, trying to get beauty treatment without appointment : “It’s an emergency—my Husband is getting a new secretary tomorrow !” |
| WORKER discussing a colleague : “He’s retiring on his savings—he worked for years when they didn’t take health contributions, pension funds, union dues and unemployment insurance out of his salary.” |
| YAWNING host, looking at wrist watch, to visiting couple : “Who pays attention to time when good friends are together—why, it’s only twelve-eighteen and a half.” |
| YOUNG man to friend: “I’m looking for a beautiful, successful businesswoman whose hobby is housework.” |
| Young thing at front door, to her escort : “I enjoyed every penny of our evening.” |
| YOUNG thing to friend : “He has a photographic mind, but nothing ever develops !” |
rasAyana 