| A politician was ordered into hospital to reduce his ponderous weight.While there he was put on a strict diet and some colleagues sent flowers to cheer him up.The man replied with a note: “Thank you for the flowers.They were delicious”. |
| As the young soldier started to climb the gangplank of the troopship, the Captain on duty said ” Is that lipstick on your face ?” “Yessir ,” stammered the soldier ,rubbing the face with the back of his hand.”Well, don’t put it allover you !”snapped the officer. Then lowering his voice and nodding towards the tearful girl waiving at the gate, he added :”I’ll give you ten more minutes to put it back where you got it ! “. |
| Conservative: A man who throws a 7 meter rope to a man drowning 14 meters from the shore and shouts encouragement for him to swim the other half, for the good of his character.Liberal : A man who throws a 14 meter rope to a person only 7 meters from the shore, and after throwing it, lets go of the other end and walks to do another similar good deed. |
| Daughter: Dad , I asked Bill to marry me .Dad: How much money does he have?Daughter: You men are all alike. He asked me the same thing. |
| During one of my first sessions in the US senate, Hamilton Lewis came over and sat down beside me. He was the chief whip at that time.“Don’t start out with an inferiority complex” he told me.“For the first six months you will wonder how you managed to get in here – and after that you will wonder how the rest of us got in here.” |
| How do you like our new mouse-trap “ the Salesman asked .“It works just fine “ said the Customer . “This morning there were two mice lying front of it. They had laughed themselves to death over the device.” |
| In the French Parliament,one of the Deputies making a speech urging the improvement of legal status of women cried:“After all there is very little difference between men and women!”With one accord, the entire chamber of Deputies rose and shouted as one man: “Vive La difference!” |
| Look out of the window from the breakfast table, and you will see the bird after the worm, the cat after the bird, and the dog after the cat. |
| Management during periods of immense change. “Things have changed so much that it is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.” Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines |
| Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : Seven! Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : Seven!Tester : Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Paddy : Six.Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : Seven! Tester : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?Paddy : I’ve already got one rabbit at home! |
| Two goats wandered into an alley behind a cinema. There they found a can of film, which one of them devoured.How was it ? the companion asked .“Oh ! alright “ he said .”But the book was better “ |
| Two Parsons, former colleagues, met in the next world.”What a wonderful world place Heaven is, after life as a parish priest!””My friend ,this is’nt Heaven.This is Hell “ |
| When the Boston Symphony played an Avant-garde composition which repeats a single chord endlessly, someone in the balcony shouted “Stop ! I’ll confess !! “ |
| WHY IS A SHIP CALLED SHE ?(Selection from Various responses at a literary meet)* There is always a great deal of bustle around her.* There is usually a gang of men around.* She has a waist and stays.* She takes a lot of paint to keep looking good.* It is not the initial expense that breaks you .It is the upkeep.* It is not the initial expense that breaks you .It is the upkeep.* She is all decked out.*It takes a good man to handle her right.* She shows her topsides, hides her bottom, and when coming into port always heads for the b(u)oys. |
| Wishing to test his young nephews “Two. Replied the boy.” “Why two ?” asked the uncle. ”Haven’t you learnt to divide yet?”“I have “ explained the boy. ”But my brother hasn’t”knowledge, the man said : “ I’m going to give you six sweets to divide with your little brother .How many sweets would you give him ?” |
| DISRAELI was renowned for his critical remarks at the table. At one dinner party, Where all the food was served cold , he remarked when the champagne arrived, “Ah, at last—something warm. |
| DR CV.RAMAN, the Indian physicist and Nobel laureate who discovered an important optical phenomenon which was later named after him as the Raman Effect, was a strict teetotaller. Once, in Paris, at the 25th anniversary celebration of his discovery, he was offered a glass of champagne. “You may know the Raman effect on alcohol,” he said, while refusing the drink, “but I certainly won’t let you see the alcohol effect on Raman !” |
| DURING A LONG speech iri the House of Commons, Winston Churchill dropped his head on its chest and closed his eyes. The Labour M.P. who was speaking protested that his Right Honourable Opponent, Mr. Churchill, was sleep. Lifting his head and blinking open his eyes Churchill snapped , “I wish to God I were |
| DURING a tour of New Zealand by Greatt Britain’s Queen Elizabeth,rallies were held so -that as many children as possible could see her. After one rally, Her Majesty related that she had overheard two small girls at the edge of the crowd arguing whether she was the Queen or Princess Margaret. “It’s Princess Margaret,” said one. “I could not resist the impulse,” said the Queen.“I leaned over and said: ‘No, it’s me!’ ” |
| DURING one of my first sessions in the U.S. Senate, Hamilton Lewis came over and sat down beside me. He was from Illinois and was the whip in the Senate at that time. “Don’t start out with an inferiority complex,” he told me. “For the first six months you’ll wonder how you got here—and after that you’ll wonder how the rest of us got here.” —Harry S. Truman. |
| DURING the Royal tour of Australia in 1954, a long stream of people were being presented to the Duke of Edinburgh at a university function. When a young married couple were presented as “Mr. and Dr. Robinson,” the Duke raised his eyebrows. Mr. Robinson explained that his wife was a doctor of philosophy and “very much more important than I.” To this the Duke replied, “Ah, yes, we have that trouble in my family, too.” |
| EACH OF US of us has to learn that it’s no true gift for another to say: ‘.‘Besides you, nobody else matters–” since the only tribute to be trusted in life is, in the end, the one that means: “Because of you, all others in some way matter more.” -Doris Peel |
| EACH OF us comes into life with fists closed, set for aggressiveness and acquigition. But when we abandon life our hands are open; there is nothing on earth that we need, nothing the soul can take with it. —Bishop Fulton Shecn |
| EACH of us has his own little private conviction of rightness, and almost by definition the Utopian condition of which we all dream is that in which all people finally see the error of their ways and agree with us. And underlying practically all our attempts to bring agreement is the assumption that agreement is brought about by changing people’s minds—other people’s. —S. I. Hayakawa, quoted by Martin Mayer. |
| Episcopal Bishop James Pike, a former practising lawyer was asked why he gave up the law. “I didn’t,” the bishop answered. “I merely changed clients |
| When the Boston Symphony played an Avant-garde composition which repeats a single chord endlessly, someone in the balcony shouted “Stop ! I’ll confess !! “ |
| ACCORDING to his cousin, Mark Twain once visited Madame Tussaud’s and stood quietly for a long time before a clever piece of waxwork. Roused from his contemplation by a sudden nab in his side, he turned and found himself fact to face with a dumbfounded woman with her parasol still pinned at him, “O Lord’, it’s alive I” she screamed, arid hurried front the scene |
| AT A MEETING of manufacturers of “man-made fibres,” Prince Philip patted himself ruefully on his balding head and then brought down the house with : “I’m not very good at producing rnan made fibres myself…Red Carpet at the White House |
| HUNGARIAN playwright Ferene Molnar had the usual quota of relatives and many of them looked to this fabulously successful scion of the family for financial aid.Once in the 1920’s, a Large delegation of his relatives descended upon him in Vienna, where he was living in the cheapest room of the best hotel. Expecting an icy reception, they were surprised when Molnar’ greeted them in his friendliest manner and even suggested that they all pose for a family portrait.When the print was delivered, he took it to the doorman. instructing him, “Keep this picture always at hand. Whenever you see any of the people in the photo trying to get into the hotel don’t let them in.” |
| HOUDINI the great escape artist, was notoriously mean about paying for meals. But a conjurer and comedian named Meyenberg once got his revenge. It happened at a lunch of vaudeville artists.“Houdini,” said Meyenberg,”would you like to see a new trick? Lay your hands flat on the table with your palms down.”On the back of each of Houdini’s hands Meyenberg now placed two glasses of water, tilled to the brim. Then, as Houdini stared helplessly, Meyenberg and the others at the table rose and fled. “Let’s see you get out of that without paying the bill !” the comedian yelled as they ran away. |
| GERTRUDE LAWRENCE wrote of the day she went before the cameras for the film The Glass Menagerie:“I didn’t look as impeccable as I have in some of my more sophisticated roles. I had my hair in curlers and wore a faded, ragged old bathrobe. To top it all, I was padded in the places a woman does not like to be padded.“Costumed like this I was introduced to a visitor on the set. ‘Well,’he boomed, scanning my hair curlers, sloppy robe and padded figure, ‘Gertrude Lawrence! I’d know you anywhere l” |
| GENERAL PATTON, the flamboyant U.S. Army commander, accepted an invitation to dine at a press camp in Africa during the last war. The wine was served in tin mugs. Patton poured cream and sugar into his mug as if it had been filled with coffee. The correspondents stared as the general stirred the sugar, cream and red wine. “That’s wine, sir, not coffee,” he was warned. General Patton, who could never, never be wrong, replied, “I know, I like my wine this way.” And he drank it. —Jack LeVien, quoted by Leonard Lyons |
| FRANK BAUM, author of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, carried into his own life his peculiar talent for making the unbelievable believable. He was forbidden to smoke because of a Weak heart, but he often held an unlit cigar in his mouth. A visitor one day asked him why he never lit the cigar. Baum explained that he did so only when he went swimming. “You see, ”he said gravely, “I can’t swim, so when the cigar goes out I know I’m getting out of my depth.”Then he lit the cigar and walked into the lake until the cigar was extinguished. “There, now,” Baum said when he returned to land, “if it hadn’t been for the cigar I would have been drowned.” ~— |
| FAMOUS U.S. lawyer Clarence Darrow once told me of an occasion when he was asked to state for a magazine article the principal cause of his success. Most of the men the interviewer had questioned attributed their success to hard work. “Put me down for that, too,” said Darrow. “I was brought up on a farm. One very hot day I was distributing and packing down the hay which a stacker was constantly dumping on top of me. By noon I was completely exhausted. That afternoon I left the farm, never to return, and I haven’t done a Day of hard work since.” |
| ERNEST HEMINGWAY enjoyed courting danger. Once, out West, a big black bear was making life miserable for people by standing in the middle of a road and refusing to budge when cars came along. Ernest drove along the road to seek him out. Suddenly, sure enough, there was the bear. .A really big bear, on his hind legs. Ernest went over to him. “Po you realize you’re nothing but a miserable, common black bear?” he said in a loud, firm voice. “Flow can you stand there and block cars when you’re nothing but a miserable black bear—not even a polar or a grizzly or anything worthwhile?” Ernest really laid it on, and the poor bear began to hang his head. Then he lowered himself. to all fours, and soon he walked off the road. From that time on, he would run behind a tree and hide whenever he saw a car coming. — |
| ELIZABETH HARRISSON , fifth wife of actor Rex Harrison, said of him after their separation in 1975: “Such a gloriously eccentric Englishman! Rex is the only man in the world who would disdainfully send back the wine in his own home, complaining to the butler about its quality – as if he had nothing to do with its purchase. He behaved in the house in exactly the same way he would in a hotel, expecting the same sort of service. If he didn’t get it, he’d complain and ask to see the manager, which was me” -Sunday Mirror, London |
| DURING NEWSPAPER GUILD strike at the Washington Post last year publisher Katharine Graham performed a variety of jobs on the paper. One day. she took a classified advertisement for a used Mercedes over the phone. The man ordering the ad asked her to read it back. Before she had finished. The man said he was satisfied and added, “You do that so well that you must he overqualified for the job. I bet that this is not your regular work.“ Mrs Graham agreed that this was so.“Let me see,” the man said. “You could be anyone from a secretary to- are vou Katharine Graham?”“Yes, I am.” she replied. |
| Dr.Herambha Maitra. the Brahmo philosopher and social reformer. was well-known for his rigid views on honesty and purity, and he regarded the public theatre as a devil’s playground. Hurrying home one evening after a prayer meeting in North Calcutta, he was accosted by a tipsy gentleman near the theatre zone.”Sir, do you know the way to the Star Theatre ” asked the man politely.He was taken aback by Dr.Mitra’s explosive “No!” Withdrawing rapidly from the libertine’s contaminating presence, the Brahmo reformer suddenly realised that he could not tell an untruth. Retracing his steps, he confronted the startled man. “I do know,” Dr Maitra said sternly. “but I will not tell you!’ |
| CHRISTOPHER COLOMBUS is alive and well and living in Madrid, with frequent spells at sea as a Lieutenant-Commander in the Spanish navy. Although he is a direct descendant of Columbus, generations removed, and one of Spain’s most titled men—Duke de Veragua, Marquis of Jamaica, Viceroy of the Indies, Admiral of the Ocean Sea and twice a Grandee—he is a modest man. The 47-year-old duke’s favourite story concerns a wizened old Cuban woman who approached him in Miami, Florida, a few years ago as he was dedicating a statue of Columbus. “You are an impostor,” she told him reprovingly. “You are far too young to have discovered America.” |
| CALVIN ROBINSON in Give Yourself One Day: One afternoon in London during the First World War, a foreign visitor entered the room of Sir John McLay , the British Minister of Shipping, as one of the ministry officials was describing the horrible things that would take place if his own suggestions were not adopted .“Be careful,” murmured Sir Joseph.“You are violating Rule Six.” The official flushed and departed . When the door had closed, the visitor asked, “And what is Rule Six?””Rule Six, “answered Sir ]oseph,is “Do not take yourself too seriously.‘ “”And what are the other rules ?”“’There are no other rules ” replied Sir Joseph with a smile . |
| BEFORE Dr SIGMUND FREUD and his family were given permission to leave Vienna in 1938, while Jews were daily being carted off to torture, deportation and extermination, Freud was told he must sign a formal release. The statement asserted that he had been treated by the German authorities, and especially the Gestapo, with all due respect, that he could live and work in full‘ freedom and had not the slightest reason for any complaint. Freud signed it, but he could not refrain from giving himself a sly exit line. Turning to the leather-coated Gestapo officers, he asked if he might add a word of his own.When they agreed, Freud wrote: “I heartily recommend the Gestapo to everyone.”—-Samuel Rosenberg, Why Freud Fainted |
| AT A DINNER in I938, French playwright Tristan Bernard, the famous wit, was seated next to a poetess known for her deep voice and her feminist views. Throughout the dinner the lady ranted about the equality of the sexes, and whenever she stopped to catch her breath Bernard would shake his flowing beard and mutter, ”Oui, oui.” Having looked forward to hearing some witticism worth repeating, we were disappointed and began to fear he was handicapped by the traditions of the old school. We were mistaken.After coffee, the poetess rose. Bernard also rose, gave her a comradely slap on the back and said loudly, “Alon, you come along with us? ” and headed straight for the men’s room. |
| AMERICAN author and critic Dorothy Parker always managed to find a ray of humour in moments of adversity,reports John Keats in You Might as Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker. On one occasion, she was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night and placed in an oxygen tent. In the morning, when she awoke, she saw a nurse looking down at her. “If there’s something you want, let me know,” said the nurse. Dorothy took note of her surroundings, then enquired wistfully, “May I have a flag for my tent?” — |
| ALLEN DULLES , former director of Americas Central Intelligence Agency, explained why ” I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life seeing a lot of odd people.” When he was a. young diplomat in Switzerland in March 1917, he was invited by a friend to visit the house of an interesting eccentric, which was open to the public.“No, thanks,” said the young Dulles.“I have a date to play tennis.”“Two weeks later,” Dulles said, “the eccentric, who turned out to be Lenin, returned to Russia in the famous sealed railway carriage. Since then I’ve never refused to see anybody.” —-N.Y.T. |
| ADMIRAL SIR WILLIAM FISHER , commander-in-chief in the Mediterranean in the ’30’s, was a man of imposing presence who fully realized the importance of his position. One Sunday he was reading the lesson in a church in Malta. When he finished, he glared round the congregation and strode back to his pew. As he passed, a small girl was heard to whisper, “Mummy, is that God?” Eventually, the story got back to the ears of the great man. His only comment was, “A very pardonable mistake” |
| Ethel Merman had held undisputed sway as queen of musical comedy on Broadway until the night when South Pacific opened and Mary Martin tried to wash Erlo Pinza right out of her hair.That night everybody knew that there was a pair of queens. Miss Merman was present on that historic occasion .As she was leaving the Majestic Theatre, she was asked, “What do you think of Mary Martin. Oh, she’s all right,” shrugged Miss Merman, “if you like talent.” —Maurice 7,ulotow |
| Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.Robert Orben |
| EX CHANCELLOR Leopold Figl of Austria held office while Vienna was occupied by the four allied powers—Britain, France, Russia and the United States. He told a visiting U.N. official, “Once Austria consisted of five countries with one ruler—now it’s one country with five rulers.”He recalled a London conference when the doorman summoned the delegates’ conveyances : “Mr. Bevin’s Rolls-Royce,” “General Clark’s Cadillac.” “Mr. Gusev’s Packard.- “Mr. Figl’s galoshes.” |
| FERENC MOLNAR , the Hungarian playwright, took sleeping pills for years. Once he tried to stop by choosing to read a seed catalogue which, he felt, would be so boring he’d go straight to sleep. “But on the second page I began thinking,” he said. “Why don’t I have a little garden? Why am I living in a hotel without flowers round me? I became so excited I got up and started planning a garden. So I had to go back to sleeping pills.” |
| FROM the time Harpo Marx was introduced to Somerset Maugham at the latter’s villa on the Riviera in the summer of 1928 , he kept trying to shock the author but never succeeded. One night years later, HIarpo spotted Maugham seated amid a dignified company at a New York theatre, and scrambled over to him, ape like, across the seats. Maugham eyed him affectionately, then said, “Sorry, I haven‘t got a banana for you, Harpo.”- |
| GENERAL CARL SPATZ was coaching. General Emmett O’Donnell in preparation for O’Donnell’s appearance before a U.S. Senate committee_ “Answer as many questions as you can with ‘Yes. sir.’ and ‘No, sir,'” Spatz advised. “If this doesn’t suffice—and it probably won’t—don’t tell any lies.. But don’t go blurting out the truth !” |
| GENERAL DE GAULLE has a caustic tongue, which even his closest associates have learnt to fear. There was, for example, the minister in Algiers, who arrived for a conference on a sweltering hot day dressed in Bermuda shorts. De Gaulle gave him a long, long stare. “Monsieur,” he said, witheringly,“where is your hoop?” — |
| GENERAL DE GAULLE once said, “Mass is the ceremony I most favour during my travels. Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back.” |
| IN his later years, Carl Sandburg, the American poet, would meet occasionally with editor William Targ in New York City. Targ writes: I once took him to the “21” Club for dinner. When we arrived and the restaurant manager saw who was with me, he became very excited, and asked, bowing to the floor, “Where would you like to sit, Mr Sandburg?”Carl replied in his slow drawl, “I wanna sit where I can see the celebrities—Indecent Pleasures |
| IN his days as a drama critic Robert Benchley once sat doggedly through the first two acts of a very dull play.The third act curtain went up on an empty stage. A telephone was ringing,and it went unheeded for almost a full minute. .Then from the darkened stalls Benchley’s voice sang out, “Will: somebody please answer the phone? It might be for me!” |
| IN I925, While US Senator Sam Ervin was a North Carolina state legislator, he spoke against a proposed bill to bar the teaching of evolution in that state’s public schools.He commented, “I don’t see but one good feature in this thing, and that is that it will gratify the monkeys to know that they are absolved from all responsibility for the conduct of the human race |
| IN SPITE OF his crippled condition, Franklin D. Roosevelt possessed great physical stamina. When he returned to Washington after a whirlwind tour, appearing fresh and rested, someone asked him how he could accomplish so much Without being weary. After a rnoment’s thought Roosevelt answered, You’re looking at a man who spent two years trying to learn to wiggle his big toe.” |
| IN THE AUTUMN of 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt took to bed with a severe cold. It was duly reported in the next day’s Washington Post but the early “bulldog” edition featured this classic typographic blunder, in a headline eight columns wide: FDR IN BED WITH COED.Cub reporter Barry Sullivan soon Answered the phone to hear a familiar, booming voice: “This is Franklin Roosevelt. I’d like 100 copies of that first edition of the Post. I want to send it to all my friends.” |
| In the business World an executive knows Something about Everything, a technician knows Everything about Something – and the switchboard operator knows Everything. |
| INTERVIEWED IN PARIS recently, Billy Wilder was asked to name the favourite among his own films. He unhesitatingly named Some Like It Hot. The interviewer protested,mentioning, among others, Sunset Boulevard and The Lost Weekend. “Nice little pictures,” agreed Billy comfortably. “But in those daysI wasn’t getting a percentage of the gross.” |
| LEARNING THAT Pope John XXIII wished to take a daily walk in his garden,a. Vatican official told him that arrangements had been made to screen his path from the view of nearby residents. “Why?” asked the Pope. Don’t I look respectable” |
| Liquor makes a colorful drunkard:It gives him a red nose, a white liver, a yellow streak, a dark brown breath and a blue outlook. |
| Look out of The window from The breakfast table, and You see The bird after The worm, The cat after The bird and The dog after The cat. It gives You a little better understanding of The morning’s news. |
| MARGARET CRAVEN:: in I Heard the Owl Call My Name : A white man said to Tagoona, the Eskimo : “We are glad you have been ordained as the first priest of your people. Now you can help us with their problems.” Tagoona asked, “But what is a problem ?” And the white man said, “Tagoona, if I held you by your heels from a third-storey window, you would have a problem.” Tagoona considered this long and carefully, Then he said, “I do not think so. If you saved me, all would be well. If you dropped me, nothing Would matter. It is you who would have the problem.” |
| Medicinal science has developed so amazingly within the past few years that it is now almost impossible for a doctor to find everything alright about a patient. |
| NANCY PRESTON was petrified when her fiveyear•old son climbed high in a tree, then started screaming with fear. But mother wit came to her rescue. She broke a branch from another tree, skinned off its leaves then shouted up, “You come down from there. And if you fall I’ll give you the hardest thrashing you’ve ever heard of!” In two minutes the lad was safe on the ground. |
| OCEANOGRAPHER Jacques Cousteau was asked by some women’s rights advocates what he thought of women aquanauts, several of whom were members of the Tektite II deep-sea project in the Caribbean. Cousteau was candid : “The girls have not yet dived deep enough to make any real contributions to ocean science.” Then he added .gallantly : “But speaking as a Frenchman, I wouldn’t mind working with them.” —M. C. |
| ON HER TRIP to the United States last autumn Queen Frederika of Greece asked to see the launching of a moon rocket. When she was told that the request posed difficulties because future visitors might use it as a precedent,she helpfully suggested, “Why don’t you make a rule that only queens and upwards can watch ? |
| On his eightieth birthday ,John Quincy Adams responded to a query concerning his health by saying : “ John Quincy Adams is well. But the house in which his soul lives at present is becoming dilapidated. It is tottering upon its foundation. Time and seasons have nearly destroyed it. Its roof is pretty well worn out. Its walls are much shattered and it trembles with every wind. I think John Quincy Adams will have to move out of it soon. But he himself is quite well, quite well. |
| ONCE , WHEN Charles Lindbergh was visiting Oklahoma, he gave a plane ride to one of the state’s famous sons,Will Rogers.While aloft, the flier noted that one should always try to land into the wind.“But from up in the air,” asked Rogers, “how can you teil which way the wind is blowing?”“Look for the washing on the clotheslines,” replied Lindy.“But What if it isn’t washday?”asked Will, puzzled.Lindbergh came back dryly, “You Wait until it is.” |
| ONE DAY I was explaining the several rows of ribbons on my Navy uniform to an attractive young bus conductress. I purposely passed over my Long Service and Crud Conduct ribbon, but she asked what it was for. “Oh,” I replied, “that’s for 35 years’ good conduct.” “Good heavens!” she gasped. “Didn’t you ever go ashore?” |
| ONE NIGHT while Alec McCowen was acting in a London play he noticed that a woman in the first row had placed her handbag and umbrella on the stage. “It was ghastly,” McCowen said later. “I couldn’t stop looking at them.” So rather than break the rhythm of his performance, McCowen began to tidy the bedsittingroom set as though this were part of the play and handed the handbag and umbrella back to the amazed Woman. c. |
| OPERA STAR Ezio Pinza conquered new worlds when he opened opposite Mary Martin in the Broadway production of South Pacific.Early in the record run of that show, Pinta dropped into a favourite restaurant and ordered his customary dinner —about 12 courses, topped by three pieces of apple pie. The waiter looked at him in amazement. “What’s the matter with you?” demanded Pinza angrily. “I may be singing musical comedy these days—but I still eat grand opera!” |
| POPE JOHN XXIII seemed to have a quick, sure instinct for putting people at ease. Once when he received a delegation of Jewish visitors, he used his baptismal name and went to the Old Testament for his greeting. Throwing open his arms to welcome the Jews, the Pope said to them, “I arn Ioseph, your brother.” |
| ROBERT OPPENHEIMER , earned his doctorate at the age of 23, three weeks after alter enrolling at the University. Oppenheirner’s thesis was a brilliant paper on quantum mechanics. After the oral exam, a colleague asked physicist James Franck how Oppenheimer had fared. Replied Franck, “I got out of there just in time. He was beginning to ask me questions.“ — |
| SOME SAY kissing is a sin, but if it was na lawful, lawyers would na allow it; if it was na holy, ministers would na do it; if it was na modest, maidens would na take it; if it was na plenty, puir folk would na get it ! —Robert Burns |
| THAT prince of restaurateurs, Alberto Rapetti, once received the second Duke of Westminster at the Avis in Lisbon. “I suppose,” said the Duke, “that we must have something Portuguese.” “Your Grace,” Rapetti replied, “in the Aviz, you don’t. must.” —Albany in the Sundpy Telegraph, London |
| THE DUKE OF WINDSOR was telling a group of admirers how to keep their wives happy. “Of course,” he concluded with a smile. “I do have one slight edge over the rest of you. It helps in a pinch to be able to remind your bride that you gave up a throne for her.” |
| THE LAST WORDS of playwright Brendan Behan were to a nursing nun who was taking his pulse. He looked up at her, smiled and said, “Bless you, Sister may all your sons be bishops |
| When I first went to New York,” said Robert Benchley, “1 was warned to look out for the pitfalls, and I did. But it was Sunday, and they were all closed.” |
| WhHEN THE FILM version of his play A Thousand Clowns was about to open,Herb Gardner went to the distributing company, United Artists, and said,“You know those phoney’Ilollywood openings? With all that tinsel and the phoney stars and phoney excitement? Spotlights and glamour—you know, all that phoney stuff? I want it.“ |
| WHO SAYS I don’t do my exercises regularly in the mornings?” demands Jackie Gleason, the rolypoly American television comedian. “Immediately after awaking I always say to myself sternly, ‘Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down.’ And after three strenuous minutes I tell myself, “OK , boy. Now we’ll try the other eyelid.’ |
| WHY DON’T you answer the phone, George?” one of his friends said. “It might be a job for you.””The way things have been going for me lately,” Jess! said, “it not only wouldn’t be a job—I’d also tear my coat getting into the phone box.” |
| WHEN QUEEN ELIZABETH and the Duke of Edinburgh visited India in 1961, they were taken around the Indian Institute of Technology in New Delhi. The captain of the volleyball team was so tense during the introductions that he could only stutter, “Sir, I am volleyball.” “In that case,” said the Duke, offering his hand, “I am polo |
| WHEN OSCAR LEVANT was playing an especially brilliant passage of Gershwin’s Piano Concerto in a school theatre, a telephone began ringing in a nearby office . Levant ignored the persistent ringing, but the audience began squirming. Finally, without interrupting his playing, Levant looked out towards the audience and said, “If that’s for me, tell them I’m busy. |
| WHEN JOE Louis visited the offices of Life, in New York. office boys lined up looking for an autograph. “You just wait,” said Joe in his soft voice. “I’ll bet they’ll have bad pictures for to me to sign”. What do you consider a bad picture of yourself ? one of the staff asked.I like them where I’m standing up ” he replied gravely. |
| WHEN HARRY BELAFONTE was co starring in a revue, he was signed to do a midnight turn at a nightclub, after the evening performance. The club owners suggested that Belafonte leave the theatre as soon as his revue number was finished, instead of waiting for the curtain call. This would allow him ample time to relax before starting the nightclub show.“No,” said Belafonte. “For a performer there’s nothing as relaxing as a bow |
| WHEN Germany’s Cardinal Dopfner was Bishop of Wurzburg, members of a local youth group dressed as the Three Kings paraded in front of his palace at Epiphany and sang hymns. Afterwards the Bishop extended his hand to each one, but none of the boys remembered to kiss his ring. A priest, who reprimanded the boys for this omission, was mollified by the Bishop himself, who said: “But no! –Royalty is exempted from kissing the ring.” |
| US SENATOR Charles Mathias, Jr., issued a fullpage press release when his dog Chammy died “of the infirmities of old age”: The 12 year old pet had once jumped ‘ int the Potomac River as the star of a TV spot on wate pollution during the senator’s first campaign 1968.Since that time many of his constituents had asked about his dog, said Mathias, but never about the progress of water pollution legislation. |
| There are three kinds of people. in The World : those who can stand Picasso, those who can’t stand Raphael and those who have never heard of either of Them. |
| JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER IV, who married the daughter of U.S. Senator Charles Percy; says there’s no doubt their boy is a Rockefeller : “Whenever lie gets into a sandpit, hr starts digging for Oil.” —Leonard Lyons |
| JUST HOW STIFF and stiff and formal are the interofhce memoranda between high officials? California’s Governor Ronald Reagan not long ago disclosed the contents of a note he sent to his lieutenant governor, Robert Finch, as he was leaving the state for a trip to Washington. The note read; “Dear Bob: While l’m gone, solve something . Ron |
| Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up over the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles or so to work and back each day. |
| ROBERT FEYNMAN , a guide at the New York state capitol in Albany , tells this anecdote: “When Teddy Roosevelt was governor of New York n he used to run up the 77 steps every day, followed by the press. Any reporter who finished with him and still had the breath to ask a question would get an answer. —T. J. Collins |
| Sometimes men come by the name of genius in the same way an insect comes by the name of centipede—not because It has 100 feet, but because most People can’t count above |
| The Modern day Man..At twenty he thinks he can save the world ; At thirty he begins to wish he could save part of his own salary. |
| THE TEACHERS at our Sunday school took turns giving the lesson. Usually they’d round it off with, “Now, children, the moral of this story is…” One day. Miss Brown, the teacher whose turn it was, made the story particularly exciting, and the youngsters were delighted. One boy asked if Miss Brown might not give the lesson more often. “We like her very much,” he explained, “because she hasn’t any morals:. |
| IN A NEW YORK Metropolitan Opera performance of Verdi’s A Masked Ball, tenor Richard Tucker ended his aria according to the libretto, with an impassioned embrace of soprano Régine Crespin. After the applause had continued for some time, Tucker broke a house rule by moving away from Madame Crespin and taking a bow. Later his son Barry, an astute critic of his father’s performances, asked, “Aren’t you afraid of what Mr. Bing will say about your stepping out of character? ”Replied Tucker, “Son, at that moment I was much more afraid of what your mother would have to say if I held on to Crespin a second longer !” |
| ONE OF MY first assignments as a publicity writer was to interview H. G.Wells. My heart bouncing like a yoyo,I rehearsed what I would say all the way to his hotel suite. Clutching my notebook, I knocked at the door.The unmistakable, lined face with its heavylidded, dancing eyes appeared.“Yes ?“ .“Good morning, l’m H. G. Wells!” I said loudly, and then froze with horror at my blunder. Mr. Wells smiled, and his squeaky voice was casual. “I say, even our initials are the same. Come in, come in.”. |
| COMEDIAN Ben Turpin began his Hollywood career as a prop man for a producer who was notoriously tight-fisted. One day, when the shooting was finished, the producer saw Turpin lift a bouquet of flowers from the set, hide it under his coat and slip out of the door. Greatly angered, the boss-man decided to follow him. Turpin hurried along until he came to a cemetery. There, after looking about stealthily, he climbed over the fence and approached one of the graves. Now he stopped, removed his hat and, taking the flowers from under his coat, placed them on the mound. Watching this scene, the producer felt his anger melting away. He was still deeply moved when he met Turpin some time later. He confessed that he had followed him, and apologized.“That was a beautiful thing you did, Ben,” he said, “and from now on when we use flowers on a set I want you to take them to the cemetery.”“Of course I will,” replied Turpin. “That’s where I get them.” |
| IN I961,” WRITES SAM SNEAD, “I was in a slump when I went to Israel to dedicate the first golf course in that country. Corning home, I stopped in Rome for an audience with Pope John. Iust before seeing the Pope, I began talking to a monsignor of the Vatican staff. ‘I brought along my putter,’ I said, ‘on the chance that the Pope might bless it.’ “The monsignor rolled his eyes. ‘I know, Mr. Snead,’ he sympathized. ‘My putting is absolutely hopeless, too.’“It gave me quite a turn. After that remark, I didn’t bother the Pope. ‘My goodness,’ I told the monsignor, ‘if you live here and can’t putt, what chance is there for me?’ ”—Sam Snead with Al Stump, The Education of a Golfer |
| REX HARRISON is often vague about current events, but never about a menu or proposed meal. His former wife, Elizabeth, writes: When we were dining with a few friends at the “21” Club in New York, a handsome young man left a large group celebrating at a table decorated with miniature Stars and Stripes and came to our table. He said, “We just came in on the last flight. You’ve given me so much pleasure through the years, Mr Harrison, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you.”Rex bowed his head graciously and returned his attention to the wine list as soon as the American had finally gone. “What a very odd fellow,” Rex said later. “I don’t know why he should have made such a fuss about his last flight. I came in on the last flight from London. I don’t go on about it, do I?” “Rex,” I pointed out gently, “that was James Lovell. He just got back from flying around the moon.”—Love, Honour and Dismay |
| IN ORDER TO HEAR how HMS Eurydice, a frigate sunk off Portsmouth, had been salvaged, Queen Victoria invited Admiral Foley to lunch. Having exhausted this melancholy subject, Queen Victoria enquired after her close friend, the Admiral’s sister. Hard of hearing, Admiral Foley replied in his stentorian voice, Ma’am, I am going to have her turned over, take a good look at her bottom and have it well scraped” The Queen put down her knife and fork, hid her face in her handkerchief and laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. |
| IF MY DIET had not been so successful, I might have been in much better shape today. A few years ago my doctor gave me a diet which I followed religiously. At the end of two months I had lost a stone and a half, and I felt better than ever. Because of the great success of this diet, I said to myself : “If that is all there is to this, ‘I can do it anytime. So why not wait for a more appropriate moment?” And that’s where it stands now. |
| ALEXANDER FLEMING discoverer of penicillin, shared the Nobel prize for medicine in I945. When he arrived in Stockholm to receive the award he had a bad cold. Throughout the ceremonies he used his handkerchief repeatedly. Later, when he was leaving,his eyes were watery, and he Was still sniffing. One of the officials shook his head sympathetically and said to him,“No good for colds?” |
| ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, author of the Sherlock Holmes stories, was convinced that the dead could communicate with the living. Once, shortly after the death of a fellow writer, he was asked if he had heard from the deceased. He admitted that he had not. “Are you convinced now,” continued his questioner, “that spiritualism is a fake?” “Not at all,” replied Doyle. “I hadn’t expected him to contact me. We weren’t on speaking terms when he died.” |
| Children are very adept at comprehending modern statistics. When They say, “Everyone else is allowed to,” It is usually based on a survey of One. |
| There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money,and that is enjoy earning it. |
| ONE EVENING during the last war, word passed round our antiaircraft. battery that a practice alarm would sound during the night to show a visiting Brigadier how quickly we could man the guns. At lightsout we lay under our blankets in full kit and Waited tensely. Finally, at two in the morning, the alarm clanged. As we pounded through the door, the Sergeant appeared. “The Brigadier’s not here, boys,” he said, “and there’s no need to rush. This isn’t the practice alarm, its a real one,” |
| No wonder it is tough to be a teenager.Half the grownups tell him to find himself. And the other half tell him to get lost |
| QUIZZED by his brother about the meaning of truth, a three-year-old answered : “It means—which one of us did it.” |
| LIFE WAS so much simpler a few months ago when all we had to worry about was whether Johnny could read, not whether he understood nuclear physics. |
| WHEN a friend telephoned home to check on things, his six-year-old daughter answered and said, “Shush, Daddy—the baby-sitter’s asleep !” |
| CURING their observance of an Animal Week, the children told their teacher about their kindnesses to pets. Asked what he had done, one little boy said : “I kicked a boy for kicking his dog.” |
| FAMOUS PAINTER Picasso was having some friends to lunch at his house in the south of France. One of them looked round and said, “I notice you don’t have any Picassos on your walls, Pablo—why is that? Don’t you like them?” “On the contrary,” Picasso replied, “I like them very much. It’s just that I can’t afford them.” |
| Groucho Marx, when told he could smoke if he didn’t annoy the lady aeroplane passengers, “You mean, there’s a choice ! Then I’ll Amoy the ladies” |
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